homework
학생이 쓴 원문
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HOMEWORK FOR TODAY:
ESSAY: In many countries, the gap between the rich and the poor is increasing. What problems does this cause, and what solutions can be offered?
To be honest, the gap between the rich and the poor does not disappear because it is one of the elements of democracy.
As long as democracy does not commit crimes because it has economic freedom, we can make money and spend it freely. As a result, the rich and the poor are bound to exist.
However, the difference is growing because there are overwhelmingly more ways to spend money than how to make money.
We need a lot of effort and study to make money. It is difficult to get into a good job, and even if you have a good job, you need time and money, for example, investment.
However, this is not the case with consumption. Even with a small amount of effort in a short period of time, you can spend a lot of money.
강사 첨삭
Good morning Lee! A job well done for your essay today. I hope you were able to enjoy the weekend. Your essay communicates its main idea effectively and has a logical flow. However, its argument would be more convincing if it clarified the relationship between democracy and inequality, provided stronger support for its claims, and considered additional factors that contribute to the wealth gap. As it stands, it reads as a thoughtful opinion piece, but it would benefit from deeper analysis and evidence. Thank you!
As long as democracy does not commit crimes because it has economic freedom, we can make money and spend it freely.
However, the difference is growing because there are overwhelmingly more ways to spend money than how to make money.
We need a lot of effort and study to make money.
However, this is not the case with consumption.
>>> TEACHER GEMMA
To be honest, the gap between the rich and the poor does not disappear because it is one of the elements of democracy.
>>> To be honest, the gap between the rich and the poor is unlikely to disappear because economic inequality is an inherent feature of a democratic society with economic freedom.
As long as democracy does not commit crimes because it has economic freedom, we can make money and spend it freely.
>>>In a democratic society with economic freedom, people are generally free to earn, invest, and spend money as they choose, provided they do so within the law.
As a result, the rich and the poor are bound to exist.
>>> As a result, some degree of economic inequality is inevitable.
However, the difference is growing because there are overwhelmingly more ways to spend money than how to make money.
>>> CORRECT~!^^
We need a lot of effort and study to make money.
OR>>>Making money requires significant effort and study.
It is difficult to get into a good job, and even if you have a good job, you need time and money, for example, investment.
>>> It is difficult to secure a good job, and even if you do, building wealth still takes time and often requires additional financial effort, such as investing.
However, this is not the case with consumption.
>>> However, spending works very differently.
Even with a small amount of effort in a short period of time, you can spend a lot of money.
>>> CORRECT~!^^
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