writing
학생이 쓴 원문
please correct my grammars and suggest better expressions for ielts test.
강사 첨삭
Thank you for this, Ellia. Have a great day ahead!
It is often argued that aging is a negative process, while others believe that
modern society is better place for the elderly.
>>> It is often argued that aging is a negative process, while others believe that modern society is a better place for the elderly.
From my perspective, the latter
seems more plausible: however, both sides of the issue will be examined in this
essay. >>> correct
To begin with, it can be argued that getting old brings lots of disadvantages.
>>> OR: To begin with, it can be argued that getting old brings many disadvantages.
Firstly,
physical capacity weakens as we get older.
>>> correct
For example, this involves age-related
vision decline and people can often suffer from joint problems.
>>> correct
Also, we get
exhausted more rapidly than when we were younger.
>>> OR: Moreover, we get exhausted easily compared to when we were younger.
This leads people to do avoid
energetic activities, and these chronic diseases deteriorate people’s quality of life.
>>> This leads people to avoid energetic activities, and these chronic conditions can deteriorate people’s quality of life.
Not only because of this reasons, the aged have higher possibility of feeling
socially isolated.
>>> Not only because of these reasons, the elderly have a higher possibility of feeling socially isolated.
This is because prejudice against the elderly is common these
days, and their social relationships diminish after they retire.
>>> correct
This is likely to result in
depression or other mental diseases.
>>> correct
On the other hand, it is commonly believed that it is more stable for older people to
live in modern society.
>>> correct
First of all, while young people have less life experiences,
old people are more skillful, not only in daily life but also in their workplace.
>>> correct
They
are emotionally mature so that they can maintain harmonious relationships with
their friends and do less regretful behaviors in these relationships.
>>> correct
>>> OR: They are emotionally mature, so they can maintain harmonious relationships with others and engage in fewer regretful behaviors in these relationships.
In addition, they
are able to achieve their goals on a deeper level with various knowledge.
>>> OR: In addition, they are able to achieve their goals on a deeper level with their extensive knowledge.
Furthermore, it is easier to cultivate their inner self as well as appearance and try
new hobbies because long-term earning provides them financial comfort.
>>> Furthermore, it is easier for them to cultivate their inner selves as well as their appearance and try new hobbies because long-term earnings provide them with financial comfort.
In conclusion, there are several difficulties for every generations.
>>> correct
Although
governments and companies are trying to support these problems and prevent
conflicts between them, it is really hard to satisfy every person.
>>> OR: Although governments and companies are trying to address these problems and prevent conflicts, it is really hard to satisfy everyone.
Hence, I believe
that despite such difficulties remain, it is generally easier for older people to live
comfortably today than in the past.
>>> OR: Hence, I believe that despite such difficulties, it is generally easier for older people to live comfortably today than in the past.
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